I hate water. It’s gross. It’s like swallowing wet dirt, no, mud–mud would be better. Water is the epitome of flavorlessness—that’s not even a word, and yet it clearly describes the wet abomination. On the other hand, you should drink a lot of water—so that I don’t have to.

Summer may be over, but it’s gonna be a million degrees in LA this weekend (Jealous?), and while getting the latest update on the Lohan’s legal status, I hear local news reporters tell me to stay hydrated. If I were paying attention, I might also hear things like this (and respond in parentheses).

Water makes you look younger. (So does makeup. #next)

Water relieves headaches. (So do pills. #next)

Water gets rid of thirst. (So does Coke Zero. #next)

Water helps prevent cancer. (Fine…fine…that one is fine)

Water is very cool. I love to swim. I’m into mermaids. I’m a Pisces (water sign). I have an aquarium.

Water you waiting for? #drinkup

Richy T.—let’s get hosed.

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